Argh!

I hate this pattern that happens in my life.

Things go well and go consistently and then I have one slip up or bad day and chuck in the towel.

It’s the worst thing about my personality.

I was about to head to bed early again. Which would’ve meant a fourth day into not blogging. That would really wind me up. Not when it’s easy to sort and feel like you’re winning.

I have had a few days off work and enjoyed a couple of lie ins. They were well deserved and I needed the rest. I talk about the Sprint v Slow periods in my book and I know I’ve been on what feels like a permanent sprint since the start of Jan. It was important to slow down a little and it’s been important to spend quality time with Blake. However I have lost my blogging time by sacrificing my early mornings.

So rather than sack off the lot, I have to adapt and bend the rules. So here’s the last three days journal prompts all rolled into one blog! That way I can get back on track with it and get back to being consistent. It’s all a step in the right direction for dropping the perfectionism that sometimes cripples me. More on that in the Day 19 prompt.

Day 18 – What did you want to be growing up? Why?

I phoned my mum about this one because I can quite clearly remember stating I wanted to be an author. It was around the time I was engrossed in all things Roald Dahl and I got into writing short stories. I used to submit them to magazines and everything. I must’ve been about 10. So it’s nice to think that I’ve actually achieved that. Is it at the level I’d like? No not yet. I’ve got some big dreams and goals when it comes to writing.

I started drama and singing lessons when I was around 13/14 years old. This definitely cemented a deeper desire to perform as a living. I got to perform every day on the radio, in many different theatrical productions and I enjoyed almost 20 years singing in a band. Radio was my full time job but the pay was crap. Neither singing or theatre was my full time job but it supplemented my income. Singing jingles on the radio was a good source of income and I would’ve loved to have pursued more of that.

I do have a recollection of wanting to be a vet for a bit. I loved animals as most kids do but then realised I’d have to treat dogs too. I grew up with a huge phobia of dogs so the vet route would not have worked! It was only through hypnotherapy that I cured my phobia and my two dogs are the proof I’m cured and it worked!

Day 19 – Write about a time when you sabotaged your own success

Erm…daily?

I’ve been thinking of what to do with myself when these 28 days of blogging are up.

I think an active focus on my physical health will be my next self discipline challenge.

A little like my consistency with the blogging wavering, it’s the same with my daily battle with food and lack of exercise. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I used to love the gym and you couldn’t get me away from the place. These days, I get anxiety even thinking about it. Something has to change to break this so I’m thinking a 30 day concentrated effort on my physical health (tying in with my theme of self discipline) could be worthwhile and helpful.

I also want to explore the Addictive Voice Therapy for my binge eating. As I write this I realise I came home late, ate my dinner but then also ate two bags of fish and chips baked crisps, two dark chocolate and cherry chocolate bars, some Lindt chocolates and the rest of Blake’s dairy milk bar. Chocolate chocolate chocolate. It’s really not doing me any favours and it’s causing a dip in energy and me to be pissed off with myself.

I’ve also been drinking at home in the week too. Now no judgement on anyone else who does this, but after spending 10 months NOT drinking and being teetotal, it’s not something I want to get back into. When I drink mid week I feel like shit. My sleep quality is not as good and I also tend to binge even more!

So March is definitely a focus on removing sabotage from my life starting with exercise and eating shite! This will be to increase energy levels and focus better but let’s hope for a lotto bonus fat loss at the same time.

Day 20 – What do you appreciate about your life right now?

Ahhhh this is a nice one!

I really do appreciate my life. I have wonderful people in different circles in my life who enrich it in different ways every day.

From different groups of friends and their WhatsApp banter to my colleagues to my family and to those I get to bathe in their energy and presence in person. I am a lucky lucky lady with all the incredible people in my life.

There’s two very important people though who get a special mention.

1. Blake

This little man is just my world. Funny. Strong willed. Not afraid to question or challenge. Curious. Obsessed. Lazy. Caring. Generous.

He is mine and I helped make him. I’m so proud of him. He is a joy and I cherish every single moment we have together. I wish I could’ve taken more time off this week in half term to hang out and have fun. I can’t wait until we are on our holidays later this year as I know he’s going to be so excited to be in the sunshine with us all.

I am also equally as excited to share the big bed with him this weekend when Shaun heads out to the beer festival with the boys. Any excuse to have my baby boy close to me and this weekend is the perfect excuse!

2. Shaun

These past few months have been so hard and so wracked with stress and uncertainty. We are not out of the woods yet (seems the council didn’t have our correct address on the electoral roll which isn’t good when you’re trying to remortgage!) but we are almost there.

This house and renovating it has been the hardest, riskiest and most stupidest thing we’ve ever done (yes I know they’re not real words but they work!). The recent valuation on the property was out of this world and a huge shock. Yes, the renovation budget more than doubled and threatened to cripple us but it’s paid off and we’ve doubled the value of the property in less than two years. We are keeping everything crossed it will all work out.

Since the valuation I have sensed a huge change in Shaun. It’s like he can breathe again. You feel stupid expressing your fears when going through something like this. When others have stresses surrounding issues of bereavement or health or job loss you feel like a proper bellend admitting you’re suffering with your health due to stress because you overspent on your kitchen or you didn’t budget for tiles.

Our problems have seemed stupid and futile in comparison to real shit that goes down for people every day. But they have been our problems. And they have affected us. I’m just glad to report that Shaun seems back to his old self again. He’s cut himself off from friends and family to focus on the house these last 9 months or so. I’m happy he’s out with the boys this weekend and I look forward to laughing at him when he comes in at 3am with his customary box of 20 chicken nuggets. Then Sunday will be spent taking plenty of photos and videos of the state of him when he has 17 sit down showers and listens to his ‘sad songs’ playlist on repeat until he’s better.Ahhh – life. Wonderful and predictable and dramatic and wouldn’t have it any other way.

What about you? What do you appreciate about your life right now?

Gem x